Aug 22: Self-Love through Ceremony 5 of 5, Protect Ya Neck!

CW quoting KJV again today, description/effects of spiritual abuse

When I was a kid in Sabbath School we had this advanced felt board technology, for all kinds of felt lessons on felt backgrounds. And if I remember right, we had one for “the armor of G-d” lesson, kinda like this:

[Image: a dark blue felt board covered in felt graphics–an evil angel, fiery darts labeled with “hatred” and other sins, a soldier in armor, the pieces labeled by the virtue they represent, and a white robe and gold crown.]

So inspiring. We’re not going to talk about the dart labelled “bad music,” right now though. Nor will we discuss the fact that the disobedience dart is DEFINITELY going to hit this underprepared mofo in the shin.

Nor will we discuss (right now) the slightly darker complexion of the evil angel as compared to the soldier/Christian. But I hope y’all at least noted it.

We can’t not notice, you know. We just might not always be aware.

Anyway, the point of this “armor” lesson, as you can imagine, is that if you ready yourself with specific qualities, you will be better able to withstand everyday negative pressures.

Not a bad lesson, but the lesson as is carries some not so useful baggage for me personally, as it, like so many other really beautiful lessons, became a weapon used as a preemptive punishment to keep me in line. It was twisted on its head, and juiced up with fear: if you don’t put on this armor right now and keep it on the darts will get you! 

So I scrambled desperately in my mind to put on this breastplate of righteousness to always have faith, to keep my “sword” close by (yeah, some folks for real be in the pulpit like “get your swords out!” when it’s time for scripture reading–sometimes adding a “now shake them, and make the devil run out of here!”–I’m not hating (much), I’m just saying I’m not having Christians tell me that pagans are weird. And, it’s been said before, but Christians really are way more into the devil than anyone else I know.).

I might as well have been trying to put on the felt pieces themselves, while wearing satin. As soon as I’d feel like I got something halfway on, reaching for another, the other thing would slip off. I couldn’t get to perfect.

So I blamed myself, not only whenever I did something wrong, but when I was tempted to, when the mere thought crossed my mind–because if I’d had my armor on, it wouldn’t have happened. And I kept scrambling for better.

Don’t do that to people, y’all. Like, mind how you speak to young people about morality. Remember that they may have the imagination to grasp a lot of abstractions and metaphors, but their ability to parse them into realistic lessons is often still developing–and you just don’t want to teach a child to build themselves into a corner. We have to teach them how to handle the stories along with teaching the stories.

I know it was hard. Sometimes the stories had you scared too, and you didn’t mean to pass down the fear. I’m just saying let’s do better.

Here is the thing. You build an armor out of fear, you will end up with a flimsy nothing. You will try hard to believe that you are ready for anything, but you will hear the lie in your own voice, and the armor will not hold.

But when you build it out of what you have, not out of shadows of what you’re trying to avoid, you can build one that will.

Protect Ya Neck: Putting on an Armor of Self-Love

For a while I subscribed to FlyLady‘s lists–lots of helpful stuff on getting organized, by the way. The first thing you do in the morning with their plan for a less cluttered life is “get dressed to shoes,” hair and makeup and whatever else included.

The idea is you don’t have to stop and get ready later, and it can help people feel sort of committed to facing the day, having already got dressed all the way to the point of being ready to walk out of the door.

For me, there is something incredibly empowering about all of the little decisions that go into getting ready to the point where I’d be ready to walk right out. So much to be communicated just in deciding which finger gets which ring and so on–in the end it’s a lot less about aesthetics and more about presence. So when I’m up, and I’ve done my readiness ceremony, I am armed. I feel content. So that even if I don’t have particularly outstanding plans for the day but I do have this presence, whether I’m wearing ALL the THINGS or not, that says I am outstanding, I find myself appreciating myself more.

The fact that I put effort into getting there is the best part–evident self-care. 

Now, I know just getting dressed to any point by 3:00pm, or at all, is an emotional energy challenge sometimes for many of us. But regardless of whether you do this as you dress in a clean shirt or as you sit in week-old pajamas, the goal is to love you as you are–as fully you as you can be right now.

Ceremony can be so many things that get you focusing and directing your mental/emotional/spiritual energy–not to say there are no rules; just to say that you may be able to work more of this kind of activity into your day than you realize, and you may be able to create ceremonial space in your life where you don’t expect it.

Ceremony can be simple. Just make sure you have an opening, a plan, and a closing. And let your creativity flow, as much as you are comfortable.

Since this one is about you and your armor, I want this one to be as you-directed as possible.

So prepare for yourself a getting-ready ceremony, with the focus on self-love. Decide what you will think about before, all the steps, and what you will focus on through the process. Decide what you hope to get out of it. 

My goal was to tap into the power of receiving love through being cared for–observing myself as a caretaker and myself as the object, using and replenishing my own love simultaneously.

It’s not as far out as it sounds, I just can’t think how else to explain it. Anyway, here’s what I actually did:

Today, I got up and got READY. I mean the face is as beat as I could get it and every accessory is too much. I’ve never looked so much like myself in my life.

[Image: me, wearing big glasses, a scarf, several necklaces, and a few large earrings.]

Seriously. I can’t handle this. Those who hang around me a lot, by the way, will recognize that expression and hand position as the end of the infamous Lennox “I approve greatly of your whole aesthetic situation today and your general persona” move.

Let me show you some of what I used to get here.

[Image: assorted cosmetics sit atop two boxes, next to a book opened to a page showing an image of actress Susan Sarandon. The cosmetics are hand-labelled with words like “resilience” and “rage.”]

(That book is Kevin Aucoin’s Making Faces, may he rest in power. I did somewhat attempt those Bette Davis eyes but not to much avail. I like that it looks like Sarandon is utterly mad at what I’m doing though.)

So this is the thing that I did/do. I labeled my makeup. And I put on the best things about me, the things I want to be, as I get ready, and I put some energy into it as I go. And I focus on the care and attention I am putting in, and for example, the glitter–“resilience”–I put this on and I think about surviving mess and still being rad. The lip stain says “analysis”–I get on my own case a lot for over-analyzing everything–but as I put this on, I am reminded that even our weaknesses have strengths at the other end. I’m drawing, defining my lip shape, and experiencing literally in that moment the positive side of my attention to detail and ability to make fine distinctions.

And on like this. You go through some process of getting ready, and put on the things you need to “wear” that day. It’s not a substitute for specific protections, it’s a general barrier against some of the world’s trifling mess.

(You can also do this as part of a cleansing or removing process–wash that man right outta your hair, shave that supervisor drama right off of your face, etc.)

If you’re going to put on some particular items for this, do it on a day where you can wear whatever you want for as long as you want–whatever you have that makes you feel most you right then.

Now as I’m wrapping up this self-love series, I just want to note that these are steps along a long path. What you do to express self-love and self-care has so much value, no matter where you are on that path, no matter how many times you’ve fallen, ended up back at start.

Some of us have had some very rocky relationships with ourselves; had trouble trusting, trouble understanding, trouble speaking up for. Some of us have a lot of self-forgiveness to do, a lot of self-acquaintance to make, regardless of our ages. Some of us feel being alone with ourselves like we may as well be alone with a stranger. You can feel all of this and still love yourself, just as we might feel all those things simultaneously about someone else.

I’ll say one thing about that armor, this part really does resonate for me, Eph. 6:16:

“Above all, taking the shield of faith, wherewith ye shall be able to quench all the fiery darts of the wicked.” I don’t mean like Faith like a whole lot or a particular kind, personally–but that is what is has come down to with me time and again.

Having a tiny bit of faith in the possibility of greater self-love matters. I think I have mentioned these photos on this blog before, but these I took, months apart, when I was really really struggling for a sign of life.

[Image: a series of photos of plastic letter refrigerator magnets on a black refrigerator. The magnets “I exist,” “Love exists” and “Love is here”

This self-love is not false optimism. It’s starting wherever you are today, grabbing on to whatever you can, fighting tooth and nail for your heart. I held on to that fact of my existence, and learned to love it on its own, something to start with, something undeniably true. Because of one of my people, incidentally. Because of this:

“I love you just because you exist.”–Dark Girls, 2012.

(Spoken by an older Black man, explaining what it is to love unconditionally–and how many Black girls and people that are perceived to be Black girls do not get this unconditional love, and instead are valued based on colorist standards.)

And I grew from there. I’m just saying, you know, I wasn’t always where I am now, and I’ve made it here. So maybe it will encourage you–this is the kind of self-love that realizes we may be starting at a zero, and is okay with it. This is self-love that sees the world as it is, full of hate as it can be. This is self-love that knows how hard self-love is.

It is not a status but a practice–shifting awareness, reinforcing appreciation, re-training the attention, and seeking healing. It is work, but the work is so worth it.

Believe in the love that is there, alive. Nurture it, protect it. Love it for existing.

“Believe in the tumble and the glide downstream. And maybe the river will lead to a key that unlocks the impossible dream.

Believe in the valley…the valley that lifts your soul into a perfect tempo

Then follow the path no matter how treacherous
No matter how bold
Let it take you there…to pay it forward
Choose to grab hold…
Let it move you towards the fullest potential
Your journey could possibly ever go””–Iyeoka

I’ll leave you with this beautiful song.

Have a wonderful evening my loves. ❤